i ate your soul

there is another life that i could be living (would like to be living?). i feel as though there are two contradictory impulses inside of me regarding what path my life takes, and as it stands it is (clearly) the academic impulse that has taken precedence. i want to be in school. i want to learn shit and do something meaningful with my life. that's the life i'm living/heading toward at the moment. so what's this other life look like? well, for starters, i do makeup. i love makeup. not that this is in any way apparent considering that i've only worn the stuff once in the last three months. but right now i don't live in a makeup conducive or makeup necessary life. so makeup. that's what i do in my other life. and of course i wear it all the time and maybe i dabble a bit in hair styling, or at the very least i learn some really sweet ways of doing my own hair (yeeeeah). i also wear sweet-ass clothes and shoes. in this life i spend at least a couple of hours every day getting ready (as opposed to my current m.o. of oh shit the bus is outside in five minutes where are my jeans and oh god this coat doesn't match my shoes but fuck my other coat is dirty and shit i'm out of time 30 seconds ago where the fuck is my backpack?).

i also live somewhere else, probably seattle or portland, maybe los angeles if i landed a job as a celebrity makeup artist, but definitely somewhere with a zipcode that begins in 9. i'd go to all the good clubs and shows and be friends with a bunch of bands and scenesters. and i would dance. i would be dancing all the time. that's what would make me happy. i'd still be working my ass off and probably running myself into the ground to keep shit going (although in a different way than i do here), but i would party equally as hard. and dance. it's not really the partying that's important, it's the dancing. and i'd be cool. not smart, not rich (necessarily), not useful to the world, but cool.

so, makeup and dancing. that's what my life is missing.