i would like to just reach a point at which, love it or hate it, i at least knew for sure whether or not this shit is for me. i've had many ups and downs over the past 3 years (mostly downs, really), but i still have not reached a place of clarity about my current career path. the worst times have been when i feel the most like i am drowning, and right now is, admittedly, not one of those times. my schedule is fairly low-key, teaching is going alright, i'm running a lot (well, a lot for me at least), and i'm not close enough to prelims to really start feeling the fear. i even recently had the experience of reading derrida and
enjoying it. (i know, right?) i was really starting to feel like maybe i'm not just a huge fucking idiot who got into grad school on a fluke and is going to be found out any minute now. like maybe i
can do this. or, better yet, maybe i even kind of
like it.
yeah, i know. silly me.
long story short, tk still thinks i'm retarded, and instead of doing better in her class than i did 3 years ago, i'm actually doing worse. as you probably know, i don't give a shit about grades, and i don't necessarily need professors to acknowledge me academically in order to feel validated (if that was the case i would have had to drop out a looooong time ago). but usually, i'm already aware of sucking long before i get the grade or the comments or whatever other medium by which i receive outside confirmation that yes, i do indeed suck. this time, though, i thought i was doing okay. good even. as far from sucking that i've perhaps ever been. which for me means just being mediocre, but i'm okay with that. i don't need to be brilliant. i don't even need to be smart. but shit, man. i really hate feeling stupid.
