no rollercoasters here

as always, the time since my last post is too long. apparently i've found other things with which to procrastinate. but i've got a half an hour until i need to go out for a run, and there's nothing that enticing on the internets today, so what the hell. 

last night was ben's birthday. we went to capitol chophouse, and oh boy, that place is holy shit expensive. but it was really cool to feel like ballers for an evening (i felt even cooler paying with my nordstrom card), and to have a reason to dress up, since those are few and far between these days. it was nice to have a reason to buy expensive(ish) wine. i always forget how good good wine can be, since i can usually only afford/justify buying $10-$15 bottles. it was also nice not to have loads of food in front of me, and to leave a restaurant feeling both satisfied and comfortably full without having needed to exert any self-control. 

this weekend is going to be long. i have a presentation on tuesday in my medieval class, and there is a lot of reading that has to happen between now and when i write the thing. i also still have a decent handful of papers to comment on, in addition to catching up on reading for my minor class. i feel less and less motivated every day. i don't know if it's just burn-out or if i really am on the wrong path, but nothing about school feels exciting anymore. not that working all the time and getting paid nothing should feel exciting, but i used to at least get some level of satisfaction from reading and doing research. now all i can think of is how utterly pointless everything i'm doing seems to be. but i also have a problem with inertia, in addition to the somewhat scary reality that the regular workforce doesn't have a "path" (soul-sucking though it may be) in the way that academia does. in other words, i'd have to figure shit out for myself. which in many ways is something i've been doing since i was 14, but in other ways is something i haven't the first clue how to do. i'm also afraid of missing out on something that will ultimately make me happy. the problem is, i literally don't know whether leaving or staying is the bigger risk to my long-term happiness.