because i suck at life

here i find myself, yet again, writing on this here blog machine as a means of procrastination. i have to write a presentation paper on a moretti article which, unlike most secondary reading for this class, i actually comprehended. the problem is, i'm not a tree maker, so i don't quite know how to make a presentation on this piece that isn't a mere summary. thus, i write blog instead. 

i don't really have much to say; i'm tired of telling the identity theft (and loss of precious percocet!) story, so if you don't know about it already you can ask me at a later date. or ask someone else who can tell it. i have, however, been thinking a lot lately about how i feel uncomfortable in much of the clothing i own. a good portion of the time, i dress myself for the day, theoretically okay with what i have put on, only to later realize that no, in fact i hate what i'm wearing. why do i even own this atrocity? who was i when i bought this? because surely i wasn't myself. and then it occurs to me that i no longer have a sure sense of what is "myself" when it comes  to clothes. sure, i've had different phases, and i've never maintained a consistent aesthetic, but at any given moment in my life i've always felt like me in my clothes (we'll conveniently ignore ages 14-17 for the purposes of this exploration. i'm going to chalk up those years to extenuating circumstances). for example, although i now dismiss most people with dreadlocks who wear skirts over their jeans as stupid hippies, there was a time when i felt comfortable in such an aesthetic. even my 9-year-old fashion (bold as it was), with my neon blue leggings, canvas flats, and oversized, overworn t-shirt with bunnies on it, felt, at the time, like me. 

but now i don't feel like me. i've thrust myself into a semi-professional environment, with neither the money nor the time to develop a wardrobe that reflects both my environment and my personality. i still wear the things i have, but they are beginning to feel less and less like me. and when i do acquire something new, it seems out of place in the clothing limbo that i currently feel stuck in. it seems that part of the problem, like i mentioned, is a lack of the resources necessary (money and time) for the creation of a new aesthetic. another part of the problem (perhaps the most substantial part) is that i still haven't quite discovered what that aesthetic is. in other words, despite constantly realizing what isn't me, i still can't figure out what is me (the right now me). 

am i having an identity crisis? maybe. mostly, though, i just don't want to write this presentation.