happy birthday to you

it's my dad's birthday today.

i always mean to write him something for his birthday, and i always forget until the day itself rolls around and then i'm like shit i meant to write. at any rate, it's probably better (for me, at least) that i didn't this time. i really don't want to initiate the conversation that he is inevitably going to want to have. the conversation we've had at least once a year for the last 10 years. the conversation that is suddenly so personal, not because i haven't known it was but because this is the first time that they have known, which makes their beliefs and opinions sting so much more than i thought possible. the conversation that, of all our conversations, is the most important to me, making it likewise the most devastating. because, of all our conversations, this is the only one that really matters. the conversation that reminds me (because sometimes i actually do forget) that this gulf between us is not just a hole or even a crater but a huge fucking chasm over which i could never even hope to find a bridge. because, even if they can learn to deal with it or even (begrudgingly) accept it, i know that they will never let a woman into our family or love her as an extension of me the way they loved him or would love any him for that matter as long as he were in fact a him. because, despite everything they've put me through and everything that keeps us apart, they are still my family, and i fucking love them. and i know that, in their fucked up way, they love me too, which makes all of this almost worse because i'll never really be able to share what is good about them with someone i love because they would never let her (any her) in.

but who knows. miracles happen sometimes, right? maybe if i just keep praying....

pussy-whipped

gah. somehow she managed to seamlessly segue from telling me that the bad parts of my exam were really bad ("it's like, where are you?!") to eliciting a commitment of 4 solid hours of proposal work each weekend ("and i mean real work, not like searching for and collecting books"). at least she agreed to be my main (wo)man.

so if you don't see me for the next few months, it's probably not cuz i'm dead. well, maybe dead inside, but not really dead.

and i thought this would be better than studying for prelims

this will probably be one of those posts in which i mostly just complain about shit, so consider yourself warned.

you know what's fun? seasonal motherfucking allergies. oh boy i love feeling like someone poured sand down my eyes and throat and injected my sinuses with a fresh batch of stuffed the fuck up. not to mention the overall feeling of having been hit by a train a couple of times. oh, and the sneezing. this shit is AWESOME. i can't believe i only get to experience this a couple of times a year.

you know what i just realized? there isn't a single month of the year in wisconsin that doesn't at least marginally suck in one way or another (or twenty). remind me why i live here? oh right. school. which also sucks at the moment, since i am busy as fuck right now but have approximately no motivation whatsoever to do the assloads of busywork that stand between me and the end of the semester. and somehow i don't think that my meeting with caroline on friday is going to go the way i want it to either (i.e. me telling her i'm too busy and mentally exhausted to start working on my proposal this semester and her saying oh yeah that's totally fine, take all the time you need).

okay i'm done complaining now. (but seriously. fuck allergies.)

you don't have to move on to let go

at least now my dreams involve him being with someone i'd want him to be with?