happy birthday to you

it's my dad's birthday today.

i always mean to write him something for his birthday, and i always forget until the day itself rolls around and then i'm like shit i meant to write. at any rate, it's probably better (for me, at least) that i didn't this time. i really don't want to initiate the conversation that he is inevitably going to want to have. the conversation we've had at least once a year for the last 10 years. the conversation that is suddenly so personal, not because i haven't known it was but because this is the first time that they have known, which makes their beliefs and opinions sting so much more than i thought possible. the conversation that, of all our conversations, is the most important to me, making it likewise the most devastating. because, of all our conversations, this is the only one that really matters. the conversation that reminds me (because sometimes i actually do forget) that this gulf between us is not just a hole or even a crater but a huge fucking chasm over which i could never even hope to find a bridge. because, even if they can learn to deal with it or even (begrudgingly) accept it, i know that they will never let a woman into our family or love her as an extension of me the way they loved him or would love any him for that matter as long as he were in fact a him. because, despite everything they've put me through and everything that keeps us apart, they are still my family, and i fucking love them. and i know that, in their fucked up way, they love me too, which makes all of this almost worse because i'll never really be able to share what is good about them with someone i love because they would never let her (any her) in.

but who knows. miracles happen sometimes, right? maybe if i just keep praying....