i should know better by now

warning: possible (probable) cryptic-ness ahead. i'm feeling extremely frustrated today, but not quite self-indulgent enough to lay it all out there for you. so you'll either get it or you won't, but don't ask me to explain.

i've felt very anxious/angry/upset/on the verge of crying all day. and for no (good) reason. i've managed to round off the week by both meeting certain goals (spectacularly, i might add), and failing miserably (or what amounts to the same in my fucked up perception) at others. part of me thinks i could never truly be happy.... even when i'm theoretically meeting all my goals, all of a sudden those goals become absurd and i then have to make newer, harder goals. and when i achieve what i think i've wanted all along, i suddenly realize that what i really want is just a little bit more. i can never objectively assess where i am and be content with it. there is always something that can be better.

unfortunately, the anxiety i feel in response to my un-satisfaction greatly increases anxiety/ocd shit in other areas of my life as well, causing me to feel like flipping out over just about everything. like, literally everything. and invariably, ben becomes the recipient of all this shit because, you know, he's there, and (in theory, at least) flipping out on him has far fewer short-term consequences than flipping out on marshelle. so he'll be just minding his own business, or in this case, mopping the whole house (which he did fantastically), and i come along like godzilla on her period and just start tearing him down and nitpicking about how he's mopping because (of course) he's doing it wrong. but this is all in my head (he's not actually doing it wrong, in case you didn't catch that), thus i can't really even articulate what it is i want him to do differently, so i just storm about the house, accusingly asking questions about his methods and then sighing in frustration when his response is sound.

i said earlier that flipping out on ben has (seemingly) fewer short-term consequences than flipping out on marshelle, and maybe that's true. but the problem with taking my shit out on ben is that he doesn't react the way marshelle likely would (he just lets me be mean), which immediately makes me feel like a total dick. but i'm still frustrated, so then i end up with this fucked up thing where i oscillate between apologizing profusely and making demeaning comments about his cleaning methods. which all equals me just generally feeling like a big pile of shit. aside from the obvious problem of being so randomly hurtful to the person i care most about (not to mention the permanent damage i have done to his housework self-esteem), this stupid ocd shit is just a general pain in the ass to say the least. you might ask, for instance, why don't i just do everything myself, since clearly no one else is capable of doing it right? but you see, i've tried that, and what happens is that i still flip out, only then it's because i am bitter that i am the only one doing all the shit in the house. so basically this is very lose-lose for everyone involved.

the only solution (to the cleaning stuff, that is. i still haven't found a solution to my other problems.) that i have come up with is that ben and marshelle should only clean the house if i'm physically not around. as long as i don't see how they do shit, i'm usually fine since the end product is really no different than it would have been if i had done it. because, remember, this is all just made up in my head. because i'm crazy.