candy-flavored candy

i wish it were last summer.

okay, i only kind of wish it were last summer. this summer has its moments. and there are a lot of things about right now that i wouldn't trade for the world. like ben, and the security i feel with him now (seriously, the devoted, committed, domesticated boyfriend you all know and love has been a long time in the making). i also wouldn't want to go back to not knowing the people i now consider vital to my graduate existence. like junior. oh, what a pit of boring my life would be without you. gracias por tu presencia en mi vida. (see, i too am sophisticated enough to use google translator. take that, boyfriend.) 

but last summer was so goddamn awesome. in a lot of ways. for starters, i was still in spokane (where the summers are perfect and humidity-free), spending as much time as possible with all the people i knew i wouldn't see for such a long stretch of time (even longer now, as this summer has not yielded the opportunity of traveling out west). i had just graduated from college and had literally no responsibility whatsoever. i went dancing at prago every weekend, always dressed up and looking fabulous. i also weighed about 10lbs less than i do now (mostly thanks to my old friends, cigarettes and a lack of appetite), which helped with the fabulousness. graduate school still didn't seem real--even in the days before i left washington, madison and grad school were these far away realities that seemed likely to stay that way. 

i was also still dancing, which, for as much as i didn't care for it, was quite fulfilling in its own way. and as poor as i am right now, i can't say that i don't miss being able to leave every night with anywhere from $200-$400 in cash. but more than that, i really just miss the dancing itself. okay, maybe not so much "table dancing" (i don't know why they call it that; there were no tables involved), but stage dancing was so much awesome. it made me feel sexy, sultry, beautiful, amazing--all the feelings that are, for most women, hard to come by. when i was up there it was just me and the song. there's something so right about dancing; it's like it makes the music go straight into my soul, and the beauty i felt from that didn't come from the money or the outfits or the heels (although they might have helped a bit), but from the connection of my body to the music. 

so basically, the thing that sucks most about this summer is that, for whatever reason or combination of reasons, i feel ugly. i'm not sure if reminiscing about times that i felt beautiful makes me feel better or worse about my current self, but i can't really help it.