it's that time of the... year

i would like to just reach a point at which, love it or hate it, i at least knew for sure whether or not this shit is for me. i've had many ups and downs over the past 3 years (mostly downs, really), but i still have not reached a place of clarity about my current career path. the worst times have been when i feel the most like i am drowning, and right now is, admittedly, not one of those times. my schedule is fairly low-key, teaching is going alright, i'm running a lot (well, a lot for me at least), and i'm not close enough to prelims to really start feeling the fear. i even recently had the experience of reading derrida and enjoying it. (i know, right?) i was really starting to feel like maybe i'm not just a huge fucking idiot who got into grad school on a fluke and is going to be found out any minute now. like maybe i can do this. or, better yet, maybe i even kind of like it.

yeah, i know. silly me.

long story short, tk still thinks i'm retarded, and instead of doing better in her class than i did 3 years ago, i'm actually doing worse. as you probably know, i don't give a shit about grades, and i don't necessarily need professors to acknowledge me academically in order to feel validated (if that was the case i would have had to drop out a looooong time ago). but usually, i'm already aware of sucking long before i get the grade or the comments or whatever other medium by which i receive outside confirmation that yes, i do indeed suck. this time, though, i thought i was doing okay. good even. as far from sucking that i've perhaps ever been. which for me means just being mediocre, but i'm okay with that. i don't need to be brilliant. i don't even need to be smart. but shit, man. i really hate feeling stupid.

there are a lot of steps involved

the problem with a shower schedule that corresponds with my running schedule: on the one or two days of the week that i don't run, it is really hard to convince myself to still shower. and by "it is really hard to" i mean "i usually can't."

oh yes i love her like pussy, money, weed

the situation outside right now--cold morning air and fresh, unadulterated snow--is one of only two situations in which i kind of like the winter (the other being snowfall at night, particularly when yellow streetlamps are involved. cliché, i know.). it reminds me of the joy-grape in keats' "ode on melancholy"; this moment is so peaceful and beautiful precisely because i know that it will be gone shortly. the grey daylight will eventually set in, the sidewalks will eventually be shoveled, and the beautiful, untouched snow on the sidestreet facing my window will eventually turn into dirty, grimy slush. before that happens, though, i'm going to go enjoy this moment in the best way i know how. (do i really have to say it?)

because i have so much else i should be doing

oh man. it's been a while. but since i really only blog when i have no time for it, here i am. i don't really have anything "witty, startling, or otherwise useful" to share, but i thought i'd just check in and say what's up, and maybe discuss a few things that i am currently not in favor of:

-when students think that tracing their reactions to a text constitutes analysis: "i chose this poem because it really stuck out to me when i first read it. the imagery used by the author just really spoke to me and i felt like i could identify with it." really? cuz i was assuming that people generally write on texts that they totally hate and don't connect with at all. good to know.

-when graduate professors assign work that functions almost solely as busy work. actually, this is really just a one time experience, but it annoys me every time i think about it.

-when it's motherfucking holyshit fuckballs cold outside. yes, i am aware of the fact that i live in wisconsin. and no, i don't remember why i thought moving here was a good idea. but i'm pretty much going to complain about it until i move somewhere else.

-and speaking of moving. another thing that i really really hate. especially when i have to move 3 days before prelims.