sometimes i question my aversion to marrying for money

oh. my. god.

i have so much shit to do (which is of course why i'm here right now). and i completely forgot about the fact that my grandparents are visiting on tuesday and wednesday, which means i have even less time to do the ridiculous number of things i have to do this week. the problem, as i was mentioning to my new-favorite-drunk-buddy on our run this morning, is that my current schedule does not afford me much (if any) real slacking room. normally, i can find some balance between classes and teaching where i can alternate which weekly obligation goes to the wayside without any severe consequences. but somehow, each week, i am finding myself unable to not do all (or most) of the work in all areas of my life. and this is not because i have suddenly become a workaholic, but because i am completely fucked if i don't finish everything. from this angle, there is no evidence of a light at the end of the tunnel. shit, there's no evidence that i'm even in the tunnel. i might be at the bottom of the ocean for all i know.

but there are some things that aren't so bad. like running. the doctor said i can start working up my mileage again and that the little bit of fluid that's still there is not enough to go into surgery for and will probably go away on its own after a while. there's also the fact that we are currently experiencing my favorite time of year, and although i know it's only fleeting, it's still nice. and my grandmother loves shopping, so even though i really can't afford to take a day and a half out of my (seven day) workweek, i'll at least be able to justify one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

seriously, though, how did i become this person? how did i get to this point where i feel guilty for not finishing all my work? i have always been a firm believer in guilt-free responsibility-shirking, and to be honest, i am kind of ashamed (not to mention overwhelmed, but that's a different issue) by how hard and how much i have been working this semester. and, of course (because this is the way things work), it's only going to get worse.

yeah, but only as a goof

just real quick, and then back to ezra "i think i'm the shit" pound:

i have my computer back. with all my files. all my bookmarks. they didn't even change my background. i also got our camera back. the ipod is still gone, but i am so far from giving a shit about that at this point.

running starts tomorrow. i could have gone today, but today was a 3 vicodin day, and i didn't even have a cookie.

now if i can just figure out what to do in section....

guess i shoulda used a jimmy

i will try to refrain in this post from complaining too much, although that is a difficult task considering that i just rounded the corner from what was possibly the worst week in the history of weeks. okay, maybe i'm exaggerating, but last week definitely has a top spot in my own life history of worst weeks.

so here's how i'm trying to look at the slightly-less-shitty ("bright" is a little too, well, bright in this case) side of things:

• i've always wanted an excuse to buy a new ipod. when i bought mine 4 years ago, it was with the sole purpose of freeing myself of the burden of running with a cd player in my hand. only i realized too late that it's really impossible to run with the video ipods (or at least the ones they made back then) because they freeze up when they get bounced around too much. so i've been running ever since with a shitty 1st gen shuffle (the kind that doesn't clip on), and only ever got to use my other ipod for walking to class and such.
  
• my macbook was about 3 years old, and although it did not seem to be anywhere near the verge of crapping out, it was also not a spring chicken. i have also really been lusting after the new macbook pro, and i can't say i'm not a little excited to move up from the white plastic casing. even if it is going to cost me a shitton of money that i don't have.
  
• so far it looks like my financial aid shit is all cleared up. and as shitty as the whole situation has been, it may end up having been to my advantage in the long run: because of being not enrolled, my loan company sent me a letter saying that i need to start paying. that's being fixed, of course, but in the process i learned that it would greatly behove me to start paying on the interest for my unsubsidized loans, since apparently waiting until i finish school would cost me considerably more. maybe other people know this, but i didn't. and i wouldn't have known it unless all this stupid enrollment bullshit hadn't happened.
  
• there's really no way of looking at my leg situation as anything less than shitty.

i need to go get some real shit done now. if i stayed on here longer, i would probably write about how nice it was to see my brother, how my new journaling system seems to be helping a lot, or how teaching lit is, so far, approximately 245% better than teaching 100. but there's only 5 hours between now and madmen so i gots to go.

gimp life

not running blows.

admittedly, it was pretty sweet to do nothing but sit on the couch and watch t.v. those first few days, but the novelty of being a lazy asshole wears off quick. and now i'm in this stupid state of physical purgatory in which i feel fine and can do just about anything virtually pain-free, but i still can't quite 'exercise' (i.e. do things that work my sweat glands), and i definitely can't run. even walking is slightly problematic, although that's probably only because of my tendency to push things just a little too far (it didn't feel like 3 miles, i swear). but it's not fair! i don't want to be stuck in the house all day, with nothing to do but read and nap. i want to be outside running. i want to be in the middle of training for the lake county half (which i already paid for). i want to keep working on my tan without having to actually lay out in the sun. i want to be out engaging my metabolism so that it can (at least somewhat) counteract my stomach's rampant desire for ben & jerry's half-baked frozen yogurt (which, by the way, still has more calories than most brands of regular ice cream). i want to be out enjoying the gorgeous weather in the best way i know how (you know, by running in it. in case you missed that.). i just feel so fucking antsy, and i know that even once i can start going to the gym and working up a sweat on those godawful machines (which should be any day now...), this feeling won't go away. there is a release, a happiness, a satisfaction that i get from running which doesn't happen during any other type of exercise. it's not just the bodily satisfaction of getting a good workout. there's something more--something mental, spiritual--that accompanies the tired relief of a good run and makes it about much more than calories burned or hours logged. i can't describe why exactly, but running makes me happy in a way that nothing else can.

so i just have to keep reminding myself that once this recovery time is over, my new-and-improved mutant muscles (as bw calls them) will have free reign to inhabit the asskickingness they were made for. which (hopefully) means that i will be able to thrive on running more than ever.